I don't remember the first time it happened. When I think back to my childhood, it feels like it was always a part of my life like breakfast, Christmas, and the dentist. And the secret shame I carried around was always there, too. Always feeling like a too-heavy backpack weighing on my shoulders. Except that unlike my backpack, it didn't come off when I got home from school.
When I think back to it, there are bits and pieces I remember. It is like a patchwork quilt sloppily sewn together in shapes of different sizes, textures, and smells. I remember a tall brown dresser with a small black and white TV on top, the rabbit ears reaching tall toward the ceiling. I remember the Atari system on the floor and the Star Wars sheets on the bed.
He was my cousin. He was 5 years older than me and he was oh-so-cool. I remember in the beginning, it started off as a game. Along with Atari, Monopoly, and Hide-N-Go-Seek, we played Truth or Dare.
The last time anything happened, I was 14; a Freshman in high school. It was Christmas and as was tradition, we'd finished opening all of our gifts shortly after breakfast. The family was mingling about already preparing for dinner, tinkering with new gifts, napping in the Lazy Boy... My younger brother had received a dart board for Christmas and my cousin suggested we set it up. The three of us went into his room, and found a spot for it on the wall. We began by taking turns throwing the darts. My brother, who did not really enjoy anything physical, quickly tired of the game and went to watch TV leaving me alone with my cousin.
I carefully aimed my last dart, squinting to line it up with the bull's eye, and threw it. I watched it fall to the floor, and as I bent over to pick it up, I felt his hand on me. I froze. I didn't know what to say. I stood up straight and just looked at him. He didn't speak either, instead he grabbed me and pulled me close to him his hands squeezing my butt. I pulled away and backed up a couple of steps, but I still did not leave the room.
He began cleaning up his room, dusting his dresser, adjusting the picture of his
girlfriend, straightening his bedspread. And then he spoke, "Remember what we used to do when we were younger? I want to do it again. C'mon. If I stand here," he motioned to the door, "you can suck me off, and I'll be able to hear anyone coming." When I was younger, I never stopped it. I knew I had to stop it now. I finally spoke, "[cousin's name], we can't. It's not a good idea. What if we get caught? I could get pregnant..." He wasn't swayed. "Don't worry. I have condoms." I wouldn't be swayed, either. I didn't care if he was upset with me. My legs felt like jelly as I made an excuse and left his room.
Later, in the afternoon, my mom called me into the kitchen where cousin and aunt were also standing. I felt my face go red and hot. Had he told them? Was I in trouble? Did they know? "Honey, will you help [cousin's name]? He has to go pick some things up at the print shop for work." I had no idea what to say. I was sure they could see my heart beating through my sweater. I remember feeling like I had no choice. I'm a horrible liar, and I couldn't think of anything to say.
We set off in his powder blue volkswagen bug. I sat in silence staring out the window, my arms hugged close to my belly. The streets were void of any activity, and I wondered if the printers' office would even be open. I didn't feel scared, just uncomfortable. We drove in silence until arriving at Poor Richard's Press. I waited in the car, and he returned with several boxes. He explained that he had to drop them off at the college bookstore where he worked. When we arrived at the school, he asked if I would mind helping him carry the boxes. I took one, and followed him inside. He led me to the back office where he stacked the boxes. He motioned to the desk and said, "There's no one here. I brought condoms."
My heart sped up again. It suddenly dawned on me how isolated we were. The silence was deafening. I could hear my heart in my head. I was suddenly afraid. Would he use force as he had once before? "We've been gone a while. They're going to wonder what's taking us so long." What could I do? Run? No, that would be too much to explain to Family. "We can do it right here on this desk." I felt sick.
"No, you're my cousin. You have a girlfriend. We've been gone too long. It's almost time for dinner." He sighed and eventually gave up. It felt like we'd been in the office for hours even though it was probably a matter of minutes. Once again, we drove in silence.
I don't know why I was so afraid to simply say NO! To this day, when I find myself in situations with guys, and things are moving too quickly, I freeze. I don't know what to say.
I will save the second, and most painful part of this story for another post.
